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The huff of my dog's snorts broke the silence as she moved through snow-covered field. The fresh powder didn't even have enough light to glisten this morning. The sun was too sleepy to shove the clouds away. I trudged along a walking path near the Mississippi. Nearing its banks, I felt the bite of winter's wrath on my cheeks, which had been frostbitten years earlier.

I warned off my dog."You go on."

She'd gone after some geese two years ago and fell in. I'll never forget watching her wrestling with life and death while dragging herself onto an ice floe. I'd have been devastated to watch her die that way. Today, she shook the loose snow off her body and took off in a safer direction.

Overhead, bare tree branches moved by an invisible hand. The red oak leaves had fallen off months ago. The white oaks shivered in the breeze, making a crisp sound. The branches knocked against each other.

I froze in my tracks and waited to hear the sound again. "Are you here?" My voice sounded fearful, anxious.

In the rush of the wind, his words carried to my mind, speaking to me in a voice nearly forgotten. "I am."

My chin quivered. "It's been such a long time."

"I know. How are you?"

I looked at the gray-bark trees, gnarled with age and disease. I imagined he looked like them in some ways. "I'm okay."

"Show me."

I silently reminisced about the past year.

A moment later, his laugh, similar to mine, echoed in my conscience. "I hear the babbling brook." His pause was lengthy. "You had a lot of fun this year."

I nodded.

"The boys are growing. Each of them got a deer. I would have liked to see that."

"They're marksmen like their father. Like you were, though you never used a bow and arrow."

"The places you visited; the people you've met; the things you've done. You've become someone I never dreamed of."

I choked up. "Is that a good thing? You never told me whether you had any dreams for me."

"It's a good thing. What father wouldn't have good dreams for their child?"

"You never said, and you've been gone most of my life now." I shrugged, the direction of the conversation unlike any other we'd previously had.

"The brook is the laughter. Tell me about the rest."

His voice always held a tenor of authority. He never could be any other way, I guess.

My dog ran up and nuzzled my leg. I patted her head and she scampered off to sniff for things buried under the snow.

"Not today, okay? You were there. People and love died; the haters lived. Throw another log onto the pyre. It seems such a waste of time to try to care about anyone too much these days."

"Cynicism doesn't suit you. It's not your nature at all."

Tears welled in my eyes.

"I hear the babbling brook again."

I sniffled. "Tears are tears in joy or sorrow."

"And a brave smile is still a smile."

"I'm disappointed in humanity, dad."

"So you're going to get out the bricks and mortar and reinforce the walls?"

"I've thought about it—a lot." The ground blurred with tears as I looked at my boots and kicked the loose snow.

"I doubt you'll be happy with so much concrete around your heart. How will the boys and your husband even get in?"

I wiped my cheek with the back of my mitten-covered hand. "I'll give them a key." Looking at the branches swaying in a breeze I couldn't feel at ground level, I imagined them being his chest, moving in and out as he breathed.

"And?"

"When they get tired of me, I'll take the keys back, just like I did with the others."

"Aren't you the dramatic one! You won't be alone."

My anger rose. "I'm fine with my own company, just like you were."

"I was miserable."

I crooked an eyebrow. "Tell me about it. I lived with you."

"Break the cycle. Let them in, even if it hurts."

"Even if they abandon me?"

"They don't know what they missed. It's their loss. Be someone else's hero."

I could barely speak. "But it feels like my chest is being crushed every time I think about it." Tears dripped down my cheeks. "It shouldn't be this way. I'm an idiot for caring, and yet I keep doing it again and again." A humorless chuckle left my lips. "There must be some kind of treatment program for people like me."

"Naw, you're just trying to find your way, like everyone else."

"Is it ever lonely where you are?"

"No. There's a sense of peace and inclusion that I never had on Earth."

"That's good to know, because the haters rule here."

"Don't quit trying. Sometimes you win and sometimes—"

"You lose."

"I was going to say, you don't."

"The new year is coming, and it'll bring some huge endings and challenges."

"I know. Meet them with a smile and a strong heart. I'll be around."

Surprised, my mood brightened. "Really? When?"

"Whenever the oaks knock."

©2011 Margie Church